(15)

I want to go back in time when I first was “on fire for God”. I’d accepted Christ as my savior as a teen, but had no walk with him. It wasn’t until my late twenties I began seeking Him. I didn’t attend church because I could not handle the ridiculous traditions done in them. (Ridiculous to me, not that they are.) I just couldn’t bring myself to step into a church attended by people who seemed to believe they were better than anyone else. From what little I knew of God’s word at the time didn’t seem to line up with the actions of His ‘children’.

Long story short, I began studying the Bible. In the beginning it was hard because I’d begun trying to read the Bible as though it were a book; cover to cover. And believe me, without reviewing history and the traditions of the time the Old Testament is confusing and difficult to understand because it causes one to believe God was vengeful and hateful.

For the longest time I shucked the Old Testament and began with the New Testament, in the book of John thought that wasn’t easy at first, either. The only bible I had was an old King James and since I didn’t speak the kings English I couldn’t understand it very well on my own. Fortunately there are many bibles out there containing helps and references one can dig into God’s word easier than ever before. If you have been trying to read the bible and have a hard time understanding it please look into getting one that is written in your language. God has made it a point to raise up men and women who have translated His word into many languages. He doesn’t want anyone to be left behind; in more ways than one.

The downside to opening oneself up to God and His truth is you begin to see the light, and suddenly ones heart begins to swell because the truth does indeed set you free.

What’s the downside? Well, suddenly you are, as the expression goes, on fire for God and you want EVERYONE to see God’s truth. You become a radical fanatic that needs to tell everyone about Jesus.

Don’t get me wrong. Obviously I don’t believe there is anything wrong with telling people about Jesus, but there is a big difference between encouraging words VS shouting at people they are going to go to hell if they don’t find Jesus.

Oh I was radical. In hind sight I realize I should have been locked up for about six months before I had done any damage to relationships, but I wasn’t, and I did, and thankfully I was able to tone it down after a time and realize that, heaven help me, I’d turned into my mother!!!

I didn’t want to be a stumbling block for anyone looking for Christ. I still don’t want to be but unfortunately I still have a tendency to want to point out someone else’s faults, though I am getting better at stopping myself before I beat someone up with the words of my mouth.

(14)

I’m going to fast-forward in time, to the here and now because my heart is heavy and as I cry out to God it’s very hard to KNOW the Lord hears me, and cares for the situation.

Fast-forwarding skips things, and I’ll no doubt go back in time, but this is where I am at this moment in time.

The job my husband had gotten has become a burden. It costs more money for him to do this job than he gets as sales are down, and the company does not reimburse mileage. (Over $7,000.00 comes out of our pocked every year for Gas.) When at first he’d gotten the job things went well, but the economy was better and now….now a lot of people have lost their jobs and are at loose ends.

For us, and what I hadn’t gotten around to telling you yet is that last year, on the last day of August, 2008, we lost our home to fire. It was nine months before the new house was built and I assure you it was a trial in itself. (Oh, and guess what, just before the fire happened, but on the same day, my wonderful husband had gotten arrested for a DUI. Oh yeah, and he had yet ANOTHER court appearance coming up for something unrelated to that, but once again dealing with his nudity issues.)

Finances have been s t r e t c h e d. Bills needing to be met and money having gone out because of wrong behavior is a total waste and I’m really TRYING not to buckle but here’s the deal. Despite everything, even if God doesn’t break the walls down and pour out a financial blessing soon and we lose this house a second time will I still love God?

It’s a question as much as a resolve because the answer is yes. I want to love God no matter what, not because of what He’s done but because of who He is. I want to love God with all my heart; to stand strong and finish the race.

I’ve been dwelling on this issue for awhile because it seems as though there is so much disappointment among Christians regarding their anger, frustration—whatever—that God seems to have hidden himself from them. Well, why do we feel we can blame Him? If I did everything for my children, gave them things and yet they thumbed their nose at me, cursed me while continuing to except my gifts I’d finally step back and say, “You know what you ungrateful child. Until you change your ways I’m not talking to you. I still LOVE you, but it’s time for you to mature and obviously you need to go into the world and experience some lessons for yourself.”

No, I don’t blame God for His silence one bit, and I can honestly say I understand it. He wants us to mature, and sometimes that means walking through manure.

The Bible’s King David failed all the time and yet God called David the apple of His eye and why was that? Because David loved God, no matter what, and that’s what I want. I want to love the creator in the way He wants me to love Him!

(13)

I wish God didn’t have so much confidence in me. If His word is true, and I believe it is, and He doesn’t give us more than we can handle, than obviously He thinks I’m a lot stronger than I do, and I think that stinks.

Well….I do. Just because I claim to be a follower of Christ doesn’t mean I don’t have human emotions.

My husband did get a job in less than two months. Yeah! (Oh wait, I’m supposed to say, “Praise God!” and so: Praise God!!) It was the best job in the world! He’s a salesman by nature and the job took him all over the state. I didn’t have to see him that much! Oh joy! (This is the; “I’m-mad-as-hell-and-hate-my-husband” wife talking. By this time I honestly did hate my husband. Such wonderful ungodly thoughts were bouncing around in my head. “I hope he never comes back!” “If I never have to see him again I’ll be as happy as a lark.” [I told you I was going to be honest with you, no matter how ugly I got.] Was I wrong, in God’s eyes, to feel this way? You bet. Did I know my attitude sucked?—absolutely. Did I care? Ha! Since then I have asked the Lord for forgiveness, and strive to have a better attitude toward my husband. With God’s help this is changing in me. I’m not there, but it’s a work in progress, if I continue to hold on to Christ.)

There might be someone reading this who is not a follower of Christ who, for whatever reason, has picked this blog to read. Welcome. I’m sure you think I’m another one of those religious nuts, and perhaps you’re right. I have no intentions of trying to convince you God is real, and that Christ died for you. There are enough people in the world trying to cram it down your throat, and I have to confess, I’d been one of those radicals once upon a time.

If you ask me if I believe the only way to heaven is through Jesus Christ I’ll tell you, YES! But you probably won’t ask, and that’s fine. However, I do want you to know that I have not always been a Christian. I hated Christianity, God and everything else that went along with it.

I wasn’t brought up by a church attending family. It wasn’t until I was around 14 years of age that I can remember going to church, and that wasn’t because I wanted to attend. My mother had suddenly ‘found Jesus’ and oh boy, was that a major earthquake in our household. She was radical, and since I lived with her I knew everyone of her faults. As far as I was concerned she could take her Bible and flush it down the toilet. I wanted nothing to do with religion. Still don’t, actually, and that difference between religion and a relationship with Christ is for another time.

I would boast, “Yeah, well if God’s real than He can strike me dead right now.” Obviously that didn’t happen ‘cause I’m still here. And if my mother was sitting on the couch and dared asked me to bring her the bible I would go into the kitchen, get a pair of tongs and grip the horrid book with them because I was not about to touch the stupid thing.

But now, I acknowledge to anyone who asks that Jesus is God and alive today and as Martha says, “It’s a good thing” because I have to hold onto Him to make it through my days and if you are say I’m using Christ as a crutch I say to you, you bet your life I am. People who are broken have to have a cast. Well excuse me, but I’m broken. I need a crutch!

(12)

Do I always believe God doesn’t give us more than we can handle? I’m not about to lie. Of course not; I’m human. I have doubts during trials, and that’s when I have to walk by faith. I have to rely on the scriptures implanted in my heart and say them over and over, and over again. God’s word NEVER fails, but we have to remember everything happens in HIS time, NOT ours. (I’m with you. I wish it was in my time, but it’s not and that’s the way it is.)

I remember once when I was in the process of ironing one of my husband’s shirts and my kids, probably around the ages of six and seven at the time, were yelling for me. They wanted something, and they wanted it NOW! It was one of those days when nothing was going right. I’d had a long day at work, I had tons to do at home and those angels of mine had been fighting with each other from the moment I stepped through the door. (Sometimes I feel as though my kids are the only ones in the world that fight even though I know it’s not true!)

Anyway, in frustration I yelled, “Wait! I’m ironing a shirt, and when I’m finished I’ll be there!”

That’s when I felt the Lord speak to my heart. (Not an outward voice, but a thought in my head, and a feeling in my heart.) I felt the Lord say to me, “Janette, when you yell at me to do something right now you have to realize I’m ironing, too. That shirt you’re working on is your life. Your marriage, your requests; all the wrinkles needing to be pressed and I’m working on them. I’m smoothing them, and when the wrinkles are gone the shirt looks crisp and new. It’s restored, and you will be too.”

I almost broke into tears of joy because that’s when I KNEW God was hearing my; my prayers.

Is everything peachy now? Heck no. I’ve had to walk through more crap than I ever wanted too, but I have at last reached a point when I can honestly say I KNOW God is working it out even if I don’t see the wrinkles coming out quite yet.

(11)

Our son was in Kindergarten during this time of marriage upheaval. I mention this because I not only had my husband’s issues to deal with, but our son’s as well. He’d been diagnosed with Expressive Language Disorder a few years prior to his entering the school system and let me tell you, once your child hits the school system it’s a whole new world for you. If you have been blessed with a “normal” child, consider yourself fortunate. However, if you have a child with any disability you’re more than blessed. You’re highly favored as well regardless of the fact you might not see it as a blessing right now.

Our son needed speech therapy, and we were still in the process of seeking a psychologist to help determine what else was going on with him. He had certain autistic traits but we knew (believed) he wasn’t autistic. I’d seen kids with autism, and my son didn’t seem to mirror those I knew, although as we sought answers to this I learned the word autism is the BIG label and from there are many branches.

The school my son was attending knew of the first diagnoses, and was aware we were seeking farther answers. They, the individuals what worked with him, recognized something was going on with him and were looking forward to knowing what the test results were. In the mean time, there was a gung ho, fresh out of college counselor at the school who felt it necessary to call social services and report my son had told her I had kicked him in the stomach.

Hey, I’m all for protecting children, but I also recognize several things. First, most kids who are being abused don’t say anything. Second, the fact I weigh just over 200 lbs and my son hadn’t missed a day of school should have been a clue the counselor should have used the brains God had given her and talked to the other members of the team before calling social services to report possible child abuse.

I admit it. I was mad. Not worried, just mad. I had a meeting with social services and they themselves couldn’t believe the counselor jumped to the conclusion of child abuse.

I bring up this story because the event added more stress to my life, and I was holding on by a tread. I was dealing with a son whose diagnosis was eluding us, and a husband who needed a job. Frustration was my middle name and continuing to tie a knot in the end of my rope didn’t seem to be helping. I truly needed a break though from constant attracts. I wasn’t reading my bible anymore…who had time?—and it didn’t seem to have helped anyway. I kept telling myself God would come through, but I didn’t see anything happening to make my life easier.

Funny thing about God; nowhere in His word does He promise a rose garden on earth if we believe in Him, but there is a hope. I just have to keep tying knots in my rope until the blessings come, and there’s hope for you—keep tying those knots. The rope will be long enough. God’s word says He will never give us anymore than we can handle.

(10)

Allow me to explain the gun. My husband has a permit to carry a concealed weapon—in North Dakota. And in his favor, the gun was locked in the glove compartment of his car and was not loaded however, since he didn’t have a permit in MN for the gun that was added to the charges.

I knew nothing about this. (The arrest.) Totally clueless as to what had happened in MN. I’m at home with our children. Actually, had just gotten home from work and was talking to my mom who had been there to watch the kids as they were too young at the time to be left home alone. As I’m talking to my mom the doorbell rings and there on my doorstep are my in-laws, looking distressed and wanting to talk to me. We sat down and they explain they had gotten a call from the Minneapolis police and that Alan was in jail for “Being naked IN the Mall of America and he had a gun!” My mind could hardly process that when they say, “And that’s it. We don’t want him back in the store.”

So much went through my head in a space of a heartbeat. Why hadn’t I been called? Why Alan’s folks? Aren’t the police supposed to call the spouse? Alan doesn’t have a job. What’s going to happen to my children? Are we going to have to live on the street?

I had more anger than I care to admit. I was livid at my husband for what had happened all because of his stupid need to be naked and poor choices. I was angry with his folks for firing their only son and to my way of thinking, they were tossing their grandchildren out into the street and guess what, I’m STILL working through this anger toward the lot of them and yet….yet my husband no longer being employed by his parents is actually for the best. Father and son are oil and water and yet in many ways very alike.

I doubt very much if my husband would have ever told me anything had happened when he was away. In fact, I didn’t hear from him until the next day when he called to let me know he was on the way home. To my credit, I didn’t let on I knew anything had happened. I let him come to me. It’s so much more fun to blast someone when they’re in front of you anyway.

I got to be the one to tell him he’d been fired, and why. I can remember yelling, “What’s it going to take before you wake up? How far into the gutter does God have to take you before you stop this stupid, stupid behavior!?” I was being the voice of God! Yep, I would pound him into the ground with truth. I knew right from wrong and by golly I was going to beat my husband up until he finally stopped the behavior!

Any guesses as to how that worked out for me? Do you think he saw the light? Ha! And believe you me; it wasn’t from lack of trying on my part that prevented the revelation from forming in my husband’s brain. The truth is, I did more hindering than anything, and sometimes I truly believe God sits up in heaven shaking His head and sighing in exasperation because we bumble His work more often than not.

(9)

It’s easy to say, not so easy to do; this forgiveness business. If you’re a person who can forgive someone you feel has wronged you right away I take my hat off to you! But if you are like me, struggling to forgive someone for a wrong they have done you then allow me to assure you you are NOT alone. Some of the unforgiveness is completely understandable in our eyes. Someone killed your son/daughter, relative; whomever and we want to hate that person with a passion. Until that hate is all we can see. We think of that “bad” person and wish them dead. Wish they die a slow painful death. We HATE them a whole lot more than we could ever possible love them.

But there IS that clause. Forgive US, as WE forgive others.

I am in no way condemning you for your feelings! Please do not receive condemnation though the above statement if you are holding onto unforgiveness for anything. God does not condemn, he lifts us up and wants to see us whole. It’s satin who wants us to be bound up in a bunch of garbage that will keep us from the freedom in Christ God has for each and every one of us.

About eight years ago my husband’s family fired him from their place of business. Was it because he was late for work all the time? Lazy? Countless other reasons you might come up with yet probably won’t hit upon it. No. They fired him because he’d been arrested at the Mall of America for nudity.

I wasn’t happy about that myself because it was the second time in less than two years my husband was arrested for the exact same thing.

Remember I told you my husband was a nudist? I’m slowly beginning to understand this fetish, and I use that word from an American point of view, yet not all American’s share it. There are nudists out there. Some have the freedom of having a beach to go to but here, in North Dakota there isn’t a place.

I also want to explain my husband was not IN the Mall of America. He’d driven up the parking ramp and had parked in an area he considered secluded. Remember, HE considered it secluded. His mentality of, “If I can’t see anyone, they can’t see me,” gets him in trouble every time! He didn’t consider the security cameras. But he wasn’t prancing around in the nude either. He’d stayed in his car, finish lunch, slipped on a pair of sun through shorts—by the way, sun through sorts are SEE through shorts but hubby doesn’t get that concept either. When he looks down at himself he sees the shorts. When he steps out of the vehicle moves to the ledge and looks over the side of the parking ramp with the sun at his back anyone, and that includes the security team watching the camera sees all his glory.

Security arrested him. During a search of his car they discovered a gun, which added to the charges.