(7)

Did you notice earlier I’d described the toilet as looking as though it were beyond salvation? In a way that’s how many people will view others. A view, I’m ashamed to say, includes most American Christians. (I’ll get into that in one of my other writings.) Alan is a very different person. It is hard for outsiders not to judge him, and harder still for insiders not to write him off. He doesn’t fit the mold we associate with ‘normal’ people, and when he continues in the behavior no one wants to be around him. During those years the expression, “What Would Jesus Do”?—WWJD—was a BIG thing. I heard it all around me and yet these same people, who loved to quote it, didn’t seem to be trying to apply Christ’s actions toward Alan and guess what. Though I didn’t chirp that slogan I was just as guilty as the worst of them because not only was I his wife, I two knew God’s word and God’s word commands us (it’s not a suggestion) that we love one another, just as He loves us.

Well, you can bet your sweet biffy I have been guilty of the judgmental, I’m better than the next guy because I know God’s word and I’m right, damn it, attitude and it’s not the attitude of Christ He wants us to have. No one sees Jesus in us when we’re so spiritual it could cause Tylenol to have a headache.

Sure, my husband’s actions have caused me to be so angry I hurt all over, but it was wrong, and IS wrong. I am not to scream at him because of his behaviors. Yes, Jesus got angry—that might shock a few of you who believe He never raised His voice, but Jesus did get angry. (Matthew 23:17 is one example). But there is a BIG difference between the anger Christ had in that scripture and the anger I’ve held in my heart concerning my husband.

Well guess what’s God’s answer is to all this anger? Guess what He says we’re suppose to do in troubled times. He says get mad and beat His love into those who do you wrong.

Oh LORD how I WISH that statement was true!! I can do that without a hitch and no sweat. After all, it’s easier that way. Not to look at our own self and beat others down.

No, in truth God tells us to pray for those who do you wrong; LOVE our enemies. Gad, it makes my whole body rebel at the very idea! But God’s word says Love never fails and because God can’t lie, I have to believe He’s right but I didn’t jump on that band wagon without years of doing things my way. In fact, as I write this I’m just now reaching the place of surrendering to God and telling him, “Alright, Lord. I have reached the end of my rope. I’ve done everything within my power to change Alan and I’m ready to admit I can do nothing without you.”

I use to think I was better than my husband, but now I know I’m a square block and God had placed Alan in my life as His sandpaper in order to sand away those rough edges. It’s not painless, but I was in a lot more pain when I was doing things my way, and although I might, in the eyes of others around me, had a right to my anger I didn’t, and don’t. God’s word; nay, the very prayer uttered in every Christian church in the world at one time or other, states within it, “Forgive US our trespasses AS WE FORGIVE others.”

(6)

Forget the big white castle and picket fence. Reality hits regardless if you want it to or not.

Before the marriage took place I began noticing other things about Alan that caused me to wonder if he’d been dropped on the head as a child. (Side note; don’t ask soon to be mother-in-law if her child HAD been dropped on the head. I did. Fortunately she didn’t get angry, but her face expression told me I shouldn’t have asked.)

I’d told Alan there was no way I would be moving into that apartment with him after the marriage if a) I wasn’t allowed to clean it up. b) The bathroom wasn’t remodeled.

Folks, I am not a spend money like crazy kind of person. And I’ve never had to have the best. I don’t even like jewelry and his folks owned a jewelry store. I certainly wasn’t asking for a complete new bathroom because I was the Wicket Witch of the North but my lord; that floor in the bathroom was squishy. The ceiling was pealing, the sink and toilet bowel had calcium deposit and inch thick and don’t forget the stench I mentioned earlier. The bathroom was where the over flowing litter box was located, although I doubt very much his cat had used it in the past decade.

You get the picture. It was bad. Soon to be husband couldn’t fathom what in the word I was talking about. Honestly. He simply cannot SEE issues involving garbage. I also suspect he was afraid he’d have to get his hands dirty. He is not a labor intense person, and as the years progressed it was to discover he has Obsessive Compulsive Behavior. (Not the DISORDER. There is a difference and I’m still learning how to understand that.) Oh yeah, and he’s Attention Deficit too. These things were diagnosed years after our marriage.

We’ll go back to the bathroom, if you can stomach going there again. I finally convince him to allow a friend of mine to look at it who was a contractor, and we would abide by his decision. When my friend arrived and he stepped into the bathroom—by the way, I HAD warned him ahead of time but sometimes seeing is believing—he told Alan within two seconds, “Alan, buddy. This floor is rotted through and the only reason it hasn’t broken through is because hey, you’re already in the basement. It can’t go any farther.”

To save money I gutted the place out by myself. Every inch of plaster and plaster board was removed so Mark (my friend) could put in the new floor and sheetrock. Now, I mentioned the calcium buildup. Mark suggested we get a different toilet since the one there was, to his eyes and mine, way beyond salvation. Alan wouldn’t hear of it because to him, there was nothing wrong with it. In an attempt to find a way to restore the poor commode I discovered a product that did the trick so well that when Mark saw the toilet he honestly believe it was brand new one.

(5)

I do want to say that what I have considered hell and a living nightmare for the past fourteen years is nothing compared to woman out there, and some men as well, who have suffered physical abuse from a spouse or significant other. If you are in an abusive relationship you need to get out now! Find some way to breakaway, but go. If you have been seeking God regarding the relationship there’s His answer. Yes. He CAN and WILL work things out but He in NO WAY asks you to suffer beatings.

That said I will acknowledge that in light of what others are going through, and have gone through, my situation dims. If I took a step back as a by stander I can see that the issues I’ve had with my husband aren’t as big as I’ve made them. But when one is going through a vat of crap they have a hard time seeing the roses on the other side of the swamp. I’m trying hard to keep my focus on the rose; that being Christ.

The first time we went to the river together, one hot sunny afternoon, the next thing I knew he shed his clothes, looked at my swim suite and said, “Aren’t you going to take that off?”

Was he kidding me? 1) I might have been a little thinner than I am now but ah, no. Sorry. This ONE piece was to COVER; not reveal. 2) We are in conservative North Dakota. People do NOT take their clothes off outdoors. ESPECIALLY not along the shores of the Missouri River with boaters passing by and could see us as plain as day. 3) We were NOT in a physical relationship and obviously he was comfortable with his body parts waving in the wind but not me.

So….he lived like a slob and was a nudist. This could NOT be happening to me and honestly, I didn’t know what to think.

We’ll fast forward to the day he asked me to marry him. Actually, he STILL hasn’t asked. He came over to the house, handed me a box and said, “Here”. Oh yeah, it was a little ring box. I knew what it was and my heart dropped. All I could think was, “God, THIS is the guy you have for me?” Why? WHY!?

Well, my folks were upstairs, my dad’s health was poor and I knew he didn’t have long to live. I’d always had a close relationship with my dad, and I knew more than anything he was hoping to see me at least engaged to someone before he passed away although I can guarantee you, he would have been extremely saddened to have seen me go through what I’ve experienced. I know that had he not passed away before my wedding day came I probably wouldn’t have married Alan. However, dad passed away before the event, and even though my own Pastor told me during our marriage counseling that he didn’t want to marry me to Alan because I’d be miserable for the rest of my life but that it was my choice.

My choice wasn’t what I’d bargained for and I’m praying God’s going to be reversing that curse soon.

(4)

I would very much like to say I had a love at first site experience when I first met Alan however, the truth is I thought he was a bit geeky and yet I told myself I was no Farrah Fawcett and to at least give him a chance.

The first ‘date’ was a blind one. He drove up to my parent’s house and took me to the movie, Mrs. DoubtFire. The fact he’d held the door open for me caused me to believe he was a gentleman so at least he had one quality I’d always hoped for in a man. After the movie we went to his home which was actually an apartment in the basement of a house he owned.

As we walked down the stairs from the garage I couldn’t help but notice the stench of cat urine growing stronger with each step. When he opened the door my eyes began to water from the odor and I won’t get into the amount of garbage littering the place was. He had to move junk from an outdoor patio couch for a place for us to sit. I kept asking myself why on earth this was happening, and I didn’t want to offend him regardless of the fact the stench in the place was offending me, but after a half hour I asked him to take me home.

It took me two days to get the small out of my nostrils.

I wasn’t sure what to think other than after all these years it was someone who didn’t seem to mind being with me, so when he did call again I did go out with him.

Some of you, ok—MOST of you—woman would have written him off after the first date. I simply couldn’t for the very fact he’d been the ONLY guy to come into my life and I was in my thirty’s.

Note: Desperation often causes us more trouble than we ever intended to happen.

Anyway, there were a few times we’d go out with his friends; sit at a restaurant and all I could think was, “Oh my God, I’m sitting at the geek table!” I saw people around us glance our way. His best friend has a laugh that causes my spine to stiffen and it’s booming; able to go through brick walls. Still I reminded myself not to be judgmental. Who was I? Perhaps I was ‘geeky’ too though I’d never considered myself a part of that category. People were people, and these people were friendly if not a bit odd….It is hard to get past the attitude of thinking I was better than anyone else because I wasn’t, nor will I ever be. But that’s part of that whole pride factor and I needed to work on then, and still do today.

During this time of ‘dating’ I kept having these warning bells go off in my heart yet ignored because I was struggling against the pride thing, and believing this was God’s best for me. When summer came and we went to the river together for the first time I discovered a quirk of his that really caused the caution flag to come out. If I’d only heeded it I wouldn’t have gone though almost 14 years of hell….

(3)

Before I continue I have to explain I’ve always had ‘weird’ things happen to me; the unexpected. Like the time I was with a friend going to Dickenson, North Dakota and they were going over the speed limit. I had a gut feeling there was a Highway Patrol just up the road and told them to slow down. They didn’t believe me and yep, we were pulled over. My friend just stared at me and said, “I HATE it when you do that!”

“Do what?” I asked, laughing.

“Know what’s going to happen before it does!”

Well, you would think them knowing that they would have listened to me. But they didn’t, so they got a ticked at that time, as well as four hours later on the return trip and the EXACT same thing happened. I’d even told them, looking at the speedometer, “You know….” I drawled, “There is a cop up ahead and he’s going to pull you over.”

“Can’t be,” the person denied. “Not twice in one day and….shit.”

Yep; same officer too.

I tell you this only because having the President of Fabio’s fan club call my out of the blue was unexpected and weird, yet completely normal for me. She was calling me in regard to a letter I had written to Fabio….I can’t help it, I was just as crazy as thousands of other woman over Fabio at the time. The conversation doesn’t matter, but I’d no sooner hung up the phone, walked into the living room and said to my parents, “Now I know I’ll get married one day because one of the strangest things just happened to me,” and the phone rang. Upon answering it I discovered it was the mother of a gal I worked with at the time and this is what she said….
“Janette, I know this guy. I work with him. I’ve told you about you and he wants to meet you. Can he call you?”

Believe me, I was laughing. After all, I’d just had the phone call of the century and now I had a woman I hardly knew telling me she was setting me up with someone?
Even for me this was strange and sure, he could call me.

I hung up the phone, stunned. Walked back into the living room, raised my finger and said to my bewildered parents who hadn’t a clue what was going on, “Not only do I know I’m getting married….”

In The Beginning…..

(2)
Twenty years ago I was younger than I am now….Ok, that’s obvious and one of those dumb attempts to hide me age. I’m 49 as of this moment and I’ll let you do the easy math. I was single and active as a youth leader in my church’s youth group. I’d actually enjoyed those times regardless of the fact ninety percent of those kids weren’t the – dare I say it?- the typical goody two shoes church kids most people associate with kids who have parents who have taken them to church since the day they first drew breath. Most of these kids hadn’t heard of God’s love for them, and most of them really weren’t interested in learning about it. It was simply a place to hang out and we didn’t mind. We believe it you plant the seed God will send someone down the line to water it, and when the time is right someone else will be there to harvest the fruit of what had been planted in their hearts when they’d been with us.

Anyway, L O N G story short, after a few years I began to back away from things for personal reasons. You have to also understand that up until this point I’d never, let me capitalize that for you so you’ll know you read it right, NEVER had a date in my whole life. I’d sit in church and see these couples holding hands and wonder what it was about me that turned men off. Why was God punishing me? I bathed, used deodorant. Wasn’t there SOMEONE out there? - For me?

My Pastor would always tell me that marriage wouldn’t make me happy because it had its own problems and what did he know anyway? He was married. Had he forgotten what it was like to want a relationship with someone of the opposite sex?

So one evening I was at home watching TV—by the way, I still lived with my parents until the day I got married and there is no sin in that. My dad’s health was poor, I was the only kid left in the State and my parents liked having me around.

Anyway, as I was saying, that evening I was watching TV when the phone rang. I answered and since you’ll NEVER guess who it was I’ll have to tell you. It was the President of Fabio’s Fan Club.

“Love is not something that happens to you, it’s something CREATED inside of you.”

I don’t know who came up with that saying; I discovered it on a plaque at work today and felt it suited perfectly into the grand scheme of the purpose of this blog; write my faith walk in the hopes there is someone out there who is going through the same thing, or to encourage another so they will know they are NOT alone in their struggles of the flesh.

I need to change. Not because I feel as though I’m at fault for things in my life. Oh no. If you ask me I’d rather tell you I don’t need to change at all. It’s my husband. He’s the one with issues. He’s the one who needs to change!

Yeah. That’s what I think, and that’s what I’d like to say however, God doesn’t think the way I do. (Drat.) And because I’ve considered myself a Follower of Christ for more than 20 years and have done more bible studies than the average Christian, I know what God’s word says and it says, I have to change.

That is a big pill to swallow and doesn’t go down easy. The true problem is; our self-centeredness doesn’t ALLOW us to GIVE up ANYTHING to God because WE believe we know better than Christ how to fix our problems. Just look at America today through God’s eyes and you’ll realize what a blunder that thinking causes.

You won’t find this blog full of flowery words. I’ll be frank at times because I need to be real; true to myself, as it were, because I’m still growing in Christ and haven’t gotten the “Let’s talk so religious people will know how spiritual we are, praise God and Amen,” verb age down.

I assure you I haven’t been keen on this whole I’m the one who has to change concept. It’s not like the first time I felt God tell me this I jumped for joy and shouted, “Oh yes! You are SO right! Let’s do it.”

Ha. No. The first time I felt the stirring I dug in my heel’s and said, “Are you JOKING Lord? Me?” I was positive the voice I’d heard was Satan because after all, God knew I was perfect.

Well guess what. God knew better than that….